literature

How To Eat A Mandolin

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MustardProphet's avatar
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Literature Text

Mandolin-eating is a revered art practiced by the likes of Roger Tull and Syd Barrett. With this easy guide, you can do it, too! Ye be warned, however: the path to a fully consumed mandolin is difficult, and it can be dangerous when navigated improperly. So, follow this guide to the letter, and if you're not sure about something, feel free to ask.

Steps
1. Remove the tuning pegs. Nibble on these as a warm-up exercise. At this point, you will experience the raw, succulent taste of mandolin for the first time. This is something that not many people accomplish, so be proud. Now is also a good time to gauge how difficult the mandolin-eating process is going to be. Was the process of eating the pegs a piece of cake? Slightly uncomfortable, but tolerable? So painful that you think you'll die? Remember: a little tooth pain is normal, but if it becomes extreme, measures should be taken to make it easier. (See Tips for more details on that.)

2. De-string the mandolin. Unless you have teeth of steel, you'll have to eat the strings separately. A popular method is to cook them into spaghetti--you'd be surprised how hard it is for the mouth to discern mandolin strings from pasta, especially when they are cooked.

3. Eat the head. The head of the mandolin is the part where the tuning pegs are. Begin to gnaw on it, wearing the edges down, until your saliva has softened the wood enough for you to take a huge bite out of it. Repeat until the head is consumed. (Once again, if you're having trouble with this, see the Tips section.) It is recommended that you give your digestive system a few hours to recuperate after this.

4. Eat the neck. This can often be the hardest part. Unfortunately, there is no way around that other than to eat it slowly and carefully. Many mandolin-eaters remove the frets first so they can eat them separately. Uses for frets include nose-picking, toothpicking, and eardrum-puncturing. Once again, you should let your digestive system recuperate for several hours.

5. Eat the body. Give yourself a pat on the back, because you're on the home stretch, my friend! Believe it or not, the body is actually rather easy to eat compared to the neck. Simply tear savagely at the wood like a chimpanzee ripping its master's face off and you'll eventually rip it apart. Then, simply nibble at the smallest piece until it is consumed. Repeat until you've eaten the entire body.

6. Congratulations, you have successfully eaten your mandolin! Now go brag to all your friends about your accomplishment. Oh, and be sure to check out my next guide, How to Keep the Men in White From Taking You Away.

***

Tips:

*If you're having trouble eating your mandolin, there is a variety of solutions you can soak the instrument in to make it softer. Popular ones include:
     -Platypus vomit
     -Miller Lite (never use Bud Light, as it will give you hives)
     -Pickle juice
     -Barack Obama's perspiration

*People will probably think you're a little weird if you've actually done this. If you aren't comfortable with that, eat your mandolin in a private place and don't tell anyone about it. Not even your grandpa's blind, deaf, 87-year-old chihuahua. Alright, you can tell the chihuahua, but no one else unless you want a one-way ticket to the loony bin.

*If you already are in the loony bin, make sure nobody sees you reading this or you'll probably never get out.
     
This sprung up from a wonderful IM conversation :iconpippin-the-mercury: and I had. Thanks, Pippin!

Oh, and if anyone knows a better category this could go in, enlighten me, because I just guessed.

Edit 08/21/09: Holy cheese, five favourites?! Well, thanks, guys! I had no idea this would be such a hit. Must have done something right...now all I have to do is figure out what it is, successfully ape it in every other art piece I attempt for the rest of my life, and become the next Hemingway/van Gogh/Barrett! Well...maybe not. :XD: But I can dream, can't I?
Comments21
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ClassicRocker47's avatar
Hahaha! This is amazing and hilarious. I laughed at the neck part, and the uses for the frets. :XD: And all the way through!
Very nice...:XD: